What am I Feeling?

May 28th, 2023.  It’s been awhile since I’ve written, but a lot has happened.  I’m just trying to digest everything and figure out my feelings.  If feelings had a horizontal line that went up and down, like a graph of sorts, the best way I could describe my feelings is “flat lined”.  Let me explain.

There is joy in my life, for sure.  People make me laugh and smile and the kindness and generosity from my work family, friends and neighbours cannot be measured.  I’m often overwhelmed with the love and kindness people have shown me during the past month.  It’s the grief in my heart that keeps my feelings “flat lined”.  It’s like there are too many emotions and I’m keeping them all suppressed so I can’t really feel anything.  I’m not doing this on purpose, it’s just how it is.

Mom

I feel like I’ve finally “righted the ship” from losing the Yeti, then, in December, my Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  The night I heard the news, I sobbed and sobbed.  My son came over and sat with me that evening so I wouldn’t be alone.  Christmas wasn’t the same, knowing this would be my Moms last.  She was surrounded by love and family and that’s what matters.

I went to visit her in February, and we went to the Doctor with her.  The Doctor told her “I’m sorry, you are not a candidate for surgery”.  She told me it was like hitting a concrete wall hearing that news.  Later, when Mom and I were alone, she asked me, “if you were me, what would you do?”  I said, “Mom, if I were you, I’d wake up everyday and live.  I would not wake up everyday and die.  Find a reason to smile and find a reason to make someone smile”.

A Flamingo Named Pookie

During that visit, I bought her a birthday card, as her birthday was coming in two weeks.  I stood in the store and cried my eyes out as I carefully selected the last birthday card I would ever give her.  Nearby, there was a stand of little stuff animals, so I chose this little bright pink flamingo to go with her card.  She loved it!  She said it made her laugh and smile everyday!  Mom also told me when she went to the hospital, she wanted it to come with her.  She named this little flamingo “Pookie”, a nickname she gave me as a baby.

I wondered what was the meaning of the flamingo?  When I looked it up, it said “Flamingos are a sign of beauty and brightness, which they associate with joy and happiness. They are seen as a reminder to enjoy the beauty and fun of life, and they are considered to be a very positive symbol.”.  This is a great description of my Mom.  The flamingo was the perfect choice. That little flamingo did go to the hospital with her and brightened up her room and brought smiles to her face in those final days.

One Day at a Time

She spent the next couple of months planning her celebration of life.  She wanted laughter through the tears.  In the final days, I asked Mom – “What is the most important thing in life?”.  Without hesitation, she said “PEOPLE!  People, love and laughter”.  That about covers it, don’t you think?  People, Love and Laughter.

Something she said often was “One Day at a Time” and she would sing this song over and over again.  The Yeti said that too – “One day at a time baby, its all we get”.  There is something to that, I think.  We only have today. We are not promised tomorrow, so make the best of what you have today.  Mom was grateful for every day, everything and for everyone who was in her life.  She was full of love and gratitude.

In the end, I spent 10 days with her.  All of the hugs and kisses and I love yous were said and she passed in her sleep early in the morning on May 2nd. We had her celebration of life the day before Mother’s Day, and there was laughter through the tears.

Grief is Different for Everyone

The grief is so different from when the Yeti went to heaven.  With Mom, I got to have beautiful conversations about life and death.  Everything about her passing was completely different.  I came home and went right back to work.  My life has just carried on, but, in the back of my mind, I keep thinking – When is the grief bomb going to drop?  When will my world blow apart?  It may not, but I lost my MOM!  That’s a huge loss.

Have I learned so much about grieving in the past three years that I handle it better?  Maybe, or maybe I am just handling this grief differently?  This brings me back to the flat line feeling.  People ask me “how are you?”.  My answer is always “I’m okay”.  I’m okay right now.

Will it suddenly occur to me some day that my Mom died and then I won’t be “okay”?  I don’t know.  I guess that is yet to be seen.  All I know now is that I don’t feel joy.  I don’t feel devastated.  I just don’t feel anything.  Numb might be an appropriate word.  Grief is not only different for everyone, it is different for every loss you have.

The Blessing

The blessing is, this time, I got to say goodbye.  I got to leave her with words of love and reassurance of my belief in the afterlife.  She showed me grace, gratitude and love in those final days, and she knew where she was going.  I have peace in that knowledge.  It is a rich and holy gift to be able to be an usher to assist someone from this life to the next.

Mom’s Obituary

One Day at a Time – Christy Lane

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