Grief as an Unseen Iceberg

This is the eve of the fourth anniversary of that tragic day when my precious partner, affectionately referred to as “the Yeti” went home to live with God.

I have spent the past weeks reflecting on time that has passed and what I have and have not revealed with regards to my grief.  I have been very open, but there is so much I haven’t spoken about, not even to my closest friends.

Emotions that are too powerful, too overwhelming that even I, the most outspoken woman, haven’t even found words for.  The emotions are just too substantial to express.

Grief,  is much like an  iceberg and extends far beyond what meets the eye. The visible expressions of sorrow merely scratch the surface, masking the profound emotions submerged beneath. As I have navigated these turbulent waters of loss, the enormity of my grief has become more apparent,  and I am unable to reveal the hidden mass of emotion beneath the waterline.

Each individual’s journey through grief is as unique as the intricate formations within an iceberg.  Just as the iceberg’s submerged facets are often more extensive than what is visible, the emotional layers of grief encompass a range of sentiments, from sadness and anger to acceptance and healing. Navigating this metaphorical iceberg requires patience, understanding, and the acknowledgment, and that the true depth of grief may remain concealed, yet profoundly impactful in shaping one’s emotional journey.

Still Navigating After Years of Grief

I am still navigating the waters of my grief after four long and lonely years without the Yeti and I am still learning what it is to be widowed. What it is to come terms with life on my own and looking into my future and realizing what that means for me.

There are many aspects of an icy life alone that people who have not experienced this will never understand.  I don’t even broach the subject because there are no impactful words that could make one understand, unless they have experienced it for themselves.  A heartbreak I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

I have many friends who have been sailing on this ocean of grief, and even speaking with them, there is just an understanding without dialogue about the loss of our life partners. It’s akin to a secret club that you don’t want to join. Membership includes heartbreak, tears and a lifetime of mourning.   Nope, no one wants to join this club.

Some Things Remain Unseen

The point of this story is to tell you that no matter what you know about me, there is a waterline that you have never seen beneath.  For as much as I have told you, I haven’t told you everything.  There just are no words to convey the enormity of my loss.  I loved him.  Deeply, purely, eternally.

Thinking about the fact that it’s been four years since I have been held and kissed by my precious Yeti brings me to my knees.  I still ask”why did I have everything, just to have it taken from me so suddenly, so tragically?”.  I have questions.  But, I still have the reassurance of his love.  When he said forever, he didn’t mean “until the end of my life”.  He meant forever.

That is why, after four years of being apart, I still miss him and I still weep for the life we never got to live out together.  My faith reminds me that I do know this separation is temporary and this is not goodbye.

This is Not Goodbye by Melissa Etheridge:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksihRX4kPtM&ab_channel=hrhcamila

If you wish to start from the beginning and read more of my blog, click the link below:

https://griefjoylove.ca/in-the-beginning/