Grief is not something you “get over”.  There are people that are concerned to see me hurting over my loss for so long.

On every anniversary of the huge tragedy of the Humboldt Bronco’s bus crash people put on their jersey’s, put out hockey sticks, and honor those people who perished on that sad, sad day. Why? Because they mourn that huge loss. Most people didn’t know anyone involved, but they feel the loss and hurt for the families, and will continue to do so for many years. My heart goes out to those families as well. As my friend, Bonny has said, I could be a professional mourner. I feel so deeply for those who lose loved ones. Even people I don’t know.

So, here’s the thing. I lost the love of my life. Seriously. Less than a year and a half ago. Some days, it still knocks the wind out of me to realize over and over again that I won’t be driving to see him this weekend.  He’s won’t be calling to wake me up anymore.

Well meaning people  want me to “feel better”, but I have a 6’4″ hole in my life.  Part of me still feels so hollow in side. I’m trying to feel better, I really am. The grief blends in to my routines and becomes my new normal.  I get up every morning, get dressed, clean, make meals, try new things.

The grief is constant. It’s always right there. When a memory pops into my head the tears are right below my lower lids, just waiting to escape. I am not depressed. I am grieving. I need to feel these feelings. I need to talk about it. I need to talk about him.

Oddly, I feel better when I spend time looking at his pictures, remembering the laughs, crib games, walks in the country and just talking to him. People have suggested I need a grief counselor. No, I need to just feel my feelings and I am doing just that.

You see, I had a future planned out with the Yeti.  After my youngest child graduated high school, I was planning to close the 333 km gap between us, and move to be with him.  The time for those plans were to come to fruition is now.  All of the plans we made together for years for our beautiful future are completely gone.  My white board has been erased in one swift motion.

I had a very affectionate, loving warm, physical man. That is gone. I had a best friend in him, who sang songs to me and made me laugh every day. That is gone. I lost so much. I need to acknowledge that and feel those feelings. I’m not going on pills to heal. I’m not drinking or smoking weed to heal. I am not going to “escape” these feelings. I’m going to ride this out for as long as it takes.

I do appreciate all of the well meaning people who reach out. I really do.  I’d also love to not have to keep saying “I’m okay”. Because, honestly, I’m doing my best. Some days I am not okay.  I am putting one foot in front of the other acknowledging my grief while still loving with the Yeti.

When I found him in his home that day, I told him, “if I can’t love you anymore in this life, then I will love you into the next”. This is a promise I will keep until my last breath and beyond.

One day, I will probably feel better. Maybe one day I will heal. It’s a process. It’s only been just under a year and a half  and It’s going to take the time that it takes.  Please allow me that time.

After all.. isn’t time our most precious commodity?