“It’s time you move on”… “You’re a wonderful woman, you’ll find someone”… or my favourite… “He would want you to…”.

As a widowed person, these are statements you hear often.  I belong to a couple of grief groups and this topic comes up from time to time.  The topic of “When do you know you’re ready to date again?”.

Let me say, I know people want me to be happy again.  I know people don’t want me to be alone or lonely.  I’d love to feel happy again too.  Actually, I do have moments of happiness.  There is a lot of joy in the world.  I always smile watching bird or baby videos.  How can you not smile at that?  Taking in events at the local entertainment venues makes me smile too.  There are many, many things that bring me joy.  I do have happiness in my life.  That doesn’t mean that the grief has left me though. It means I am learning to grow around my grief that will be a part of me forever.

Now, to address the “meeting someone new” thing.  I know it’s been over two years since the Yeti went to live with God.  Oh, believe me, I do know.  Yes, it’s a significant amount of time, but to me, sometimes, I feel like I lost him yesterday.  Sometimes, no, OFTEN, I feel like he’s right here beside me.  I still smile at his silly humor, and I can feel him.  Maybe it’s because I knew him so well, so intimately.  He said, I knew him better than he knew himself.  When you are that close to someone, they become part of you.

When I feel that close to him, I can’t imagine looking for someone else.  I have friends who are in the dating pool, and dating seems to be all online.  I respect and appreciate that this is the way people meet, but I feel it is just not for me.  What can you tell by a paragraph and a photograph?  How can you feel the personality and feel the chemistry?  Some people risk it and get really lucky and meet some fantastic people!  I’m just old school, I guess.  I can’t seem to “click” with this type of “dating”.

All of this, plus, I’m still in love with the Yeti.  My love is active, didn’t end and will never end.  I’ll say it again, “death ends a life, not a relationship”.  I didn’t choose this for us.  This love will endure forever.  If someone new came into my life, I’d want them to understand and respect that.

If there was someone new, it would be just that.  New.  I’m not looking to replace what I had.  I am realistic in saying that I don’t think I’ll ever have a relationship like that ever again. Lightning doesn’t strike twice.   Someone new would be a unique new adventure.  A new friendship, a new companionship. New, dare I say it… love?

Now for the good news – love is limitless.  I’ve been talking to my sister and another widowed friend of mine lately about limitless love.   Love has no end.  It expands and grows as you have new people come into your life.  When you have a second child, you don’t stop loving the first child.  Your love expands as the second child enters your world.  It’s the coolest thing.  I know I thought to myself, how can I possibly have enough love to give this second child, and then they are born and the love expands.  It has no limit.  It’s a beautiful marvel of life.  It shows me that I have a big enough heart if someone new were to enter my life. I still have love to give and share.

Maybe I’ll be alone forever.  That’s okay, I’m good alone.  Maybe I’ll find someone really cool to live out my days with.  That would be good too.  Whatever happens, it will happen naturally, organically and in person.   It will be my choice.  Either way, I will be okay.

So, let’s answer the question, “when should a widow move on?”.  When they are ready. When they make that decision for themselves.  Maybe tomorrow, maybe never.  There is no right or wrong answer.  It’s as personal as a fingerprint. There is no “one size fits all” in grief.

As someone close to a grieving person, stay in touch, listen, support and love.  Suggesting someone shouldn’t be alone isn’t helpful.  If you feel they are alone too much, show up, and buy lunch.  Widows love a free lunch.  🙂