A Solitary life…

Walking through grief is hard, and it’s lonely.  Damn lonely.

Last year, I became a widow. Earlier this year, I became an empty nester.  That can be a difficult transition in life even when you have a partner, but when you are single, or widowed, it can be a challenging and solitary experience.

I never imagined that I would be living life alone again.  I am good at being alone, surprisingly, as I am such an extrovert.  You would think I need people, but the truth is, I am an empath, and I can burn out easily being around a lot of people.

Living Inside Your Head

When being alone, I have a lot of time to think, and overthink.  It is so quiet, all the time.  The quiet allows me to unleash my thoughts and let them wander where they might.  It is surprising what pops into my head when I am contemplating my day.  Sometimes, in these  moments I am led to journaling, blogging, meditation, or prayer.

Occasionally, I converse with Matt’s spirit. Don’t worry, this is completely normal in grief.  I hear what he might say to me in the moment, and quite often, I can visualize the expression on his face, and I smile.

Alone, Yet Connected…

One of the many interesting things I have learned on this journey is that even in the solitude, you are never alone.  There are so many people in my community of friends and acquaintances that are silently walking alongside me. I cannot begin to count the number of times that I have been told “I think of you more than you know” or “I am praying for you”.

It’s astonishing that an entire community is still holding me in their heart twenty-one months later.  To realize that dozens of people still care so deeply is humbling.  It is also probably the reason that I have been able to keep moving forward in my life. You just never know who is silently walking with you.

If you are one of these people who continue to hold space for me, thank you.

Try this…

On a particularly difficult day the loneliness was palpable, and the tears were abundant.  I decided to try an exercise to see who was really “with me”.   I closed my eyes and pictured myself sitting on a chair in the corner of a room.  After a couple of minutes of deep breathing to clear my mind, I asked myself “Who’s in my corner?”.

One by one, people showed up, my parents, my kids, my siblings, Matt, many friends, acquaintances and Jesus.  Yes, Jesus was in my corner!!  There were so many people in my corner that the imaginary room had to grow to accommodate them all!  Imagine how blessed and empowered I felt to know that all these people were in my corner and had my back.  With a renewed sense of power and strength, I continued through my day with confidence.

You Are Never Alone…

So, you see, even in the darkest, saddest moments, you are never alone.  There are always people who care about you, love you and “think about you more than you know”.

I hope you find peace and comfort in knowing that, as I do.